porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
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