Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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