I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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