I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize