So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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