Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
