i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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