I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
