Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
