i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
