We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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