The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
