The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize