i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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