his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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