I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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