I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
