What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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