I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
