moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
