Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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