watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
