A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
