all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
