I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
