Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Randomize
