I am midnight drunk by noon
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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