Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
