Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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