I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
