Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
