Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
