I like to think it a success when the cops are called
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
