my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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