I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
