why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
