Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
she looked like the before picture.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
