just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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