matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
