This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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