the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize