I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
