My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
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