Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
