If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
