the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
