We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
