How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
