my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
