He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
