i just google imaged poop.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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