She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
