you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize