He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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