how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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