Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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