People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
