I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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