based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
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