can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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