dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
