my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Randomize
